Carnival Luminosa - A Review

Introduction

Carnival Luminosa is a mid-sized ship by today's standards, just shy of 93,000 GT and carrying about 2400 passengers. She entered service in 2009 as the Costa Luminosa, was refurbished in 2022 and transferred to Carnival.

The ship is unremarkable on the outside, and looks older than it is on the inside. It may relate to being a Costa hand-me-down; perhaps the Italians still appreciate tiny mosaic tiles and over-the-top art deco interiors 75 years after they went out of fashion everywhere else. On transfer to Carnival the ship had a paint job and dispensed with the Italian deck and room names, but they have so far resisted putting their signature funnel on it.

Cabins

Our cabin had a balcony and we were able to choose it on the travel agent's website but not on Carnival's. They all seem to be lined with a mixture of uninspiring honey-coloured timber, a plastic imitation of the same, and similar coloured mottled panelling. Add dark stone benchtops, heavy dark cornices and skirtings, cream ceilings and warm white lighting and you are left with a pretty depressing space to spend your vacation in. The bed was however very comfortable.

On entering the cabin we were confronted by a woman on the TV expounding on Carnival's drug policy, which is basically no tolerance at all, and applies even to medicinal marijuana. Penalties include a $500 fine (assume US$), being chucked off the ship to find your own way home (at your own cost and without any fare recompense), and being banned from Carnival ships. This appears to be a cruel, discriminatory and totally unnecessary policy, given that CBD is legally available as a medication of last resort to Australians and Kiwis who have tried everything else. We found this to be quite intimidating and it created a terrible first impression.

Facilities

The drab theme continues throughout the ship, with plenty of the same panelling, dark red marble floors, coloured glass and awful paintings that they try to sell you, however it is well preserved and the carpets seem to be reasonably new. Apart from all that the ship is fairly comfortable although a bit cold in some areas. The atrium is only two decks high (Decks 2 and 3), but has a skylight shaft with three glass lifts connecting to the Lido Buffet on Deck 9 and the Steakhouse on Deck 10. Some comic relief is provided on Deck 3 by the lighting, which will seem familiar to anyone who has ever seen a male red kangaroo. Shopping is very limited and the prices unappealing.

Sadly, the area that on many ships is a forward observation lounge, is taken up by the spa and a little-used fitness centre. There were hooded day beds around the sundecks at both ends of the ship, which made it hard for anyone else to get to the rail, so this is not a ship for scenic cruising. Although the outer promenade Deck 3 is continuous, the front is fenced off, and we weren't allowed around the stern either, so it's of no use for exercise; the "jogging track" is actually on Deck 11 and is only 97m long (cue: "The Games" with John Clarke). On our cruise the prom deck was closed off for a lot of the time for no apparent reason, which made it hard to find a bit of peace and outdoor shade.

The Luminosa is a quiet ship with no noticeable areas of excessive vibration or noise; we had a terrific cabin steward but in other areas the service was patchy. We saw a bit of tipping going on, but there is no tipping scheme that you have to opt-in or opt-out of.

Food

We didn't need to guess why the centrepiece of this ship is a sculpture of a very fat woman, in the ship's atrium on Deck 2 (see Atrium pic, lower RH corner). There was plenty of sweet fatty food and most of the passengers seemed to enjoy it; they certainly looked as though they had, and we wondered how some would manage the 55cm doors on the tiny shower cubicles. Finding a healthy meal is challenging.

In the Lido buffet it was always crowded around meal times and hard to find any fruit other than melon, a bit of pineapple and a few apples (no bananas or strawberries). Nearly all of the bread was white, and cheese was invariably cut into sub-centimetre cubes which were usually dried-out and tasteless by the time they were served. Tea and pre-brewed coffee was free in a ceramic cup here, but you have to pay for it in a paper cup anywhere else.

Servings in the main Vela restaurant were miserably small, but you could often top up with the same dishes in the buffet anyway. Most of the tables for two in the Vela have a bench seat on one side with dirty saggy cushions, but the chairs are good, as are the chairs and benches in the Lido. The Maitre D sang at us nightly at 8:30; okay if you're a Sinatra fan, but we learnt to dine early.

There are other venues serving thinly-topped pizzas, hamburgers, toasted sandwiches and soft-serve ice cream free at most hours of the day; forget about interesting breads or cheeses anywhere.

Wherever we ate, they gave us teaspoons for desserts, soup spoons for breakfast cereals, and dessert spoons for soup or for stirring our tea and coffee.

Entertainment

Entertainment was the usual cruise ship fare, with two sittings of shows in the main theatre every night; the stage lighting is spectacular. Most shows were quite good, although we had to retire hurt from one which we may have enjoyed if it hadn't been so loud. The usual bingo, trivia, painting auctions, spa promos etc. were on during the day, and the casino is open most of the time. The comedians were of the genre that gets laughs mostly through crudity. We went to a couple of their afternoon PG shows and they were pretty desolate; one guy padded out his 30 minute slot explaining why he couldn't use his "best" jokes.

Although there are kid's clubs, opening hours are limited and there are no outdoor play areas; this ship is not for them. The cruise director probably is though; he was straight out of a 1950s holiday camp or a Carry-On movie, which got very tiresome. We hope he's getting homesick.

Health and Safety

This was our first cruise since Covid and we were expecting some fairly rigid health protocols, but they were well below pre-pandemic standards we have experienced on other ships. There was no embarkation screening; hand sanitiser dispensers were there but usually out of the way, not always working, and with no encouragement to use them. There was no service at the buffet, so you were expected to use the same tongs as everyone else, and tables were usually only dry wiped. We saw someone wiping stair rails only once in the course of our 11-day holiday. Not surprisingly, we both came home with Covid-19.

Embarkartion and Disembarkation

Embarkation at the Brisbane International Sewage Terminal was speedy, but disembarkation ("debarkation" as Carnival call it) was chaotic; it took 5 hours to get everyone ashore at one of the tender stops. At the end of the cruise back in Brisbane, Carnival in their eagerness to get rid of us put us on the end of a 280m-long queue for Border Force clearance, to the considerable discomfort of many older and infirm passengers. We were glad to get off and are unlikely to return.

Postscript

A few days after the voyage Carnival sent a questionairre seeking feedback. As we got further into this it was evident that it was more about them flogging more stuff to us than finding out what we thought of them. We persevered through twenty pages of mostly compulsory questions to get to the non-compulsory one where you can commend individual employees, because we wanted to give a gong to our outstanding cabin steward. Unfortunately that wasn't the end of it; after a few more pages of increasingly intrusive interrogation, we gave up. Sorry, Suardana.